balancing anger

January 9th was the last time I posted.

Three shootings, all appearing to be racially motivated introduced 2009 that has been dubbed a new beginning. A time for hope. I couldn't help but think what an ironic beginning for a year of hope. Back to back, racially motivated shootings, two of them resulting in death, kicking off the Year of Hope.

I created this blog to tell my story, to talk about racism within my family and being cast aside by them because I dared to cross that racial line. About how I chose happiness and fulfillment in exchange for hypocrisy, fear and misery.

My goal was, and still is, to shed light on a topic that is a remaining taboo in a society where ironically anything goes. Perhaps I would change a few minds about how useless and futile racial fear is and the resulting hate created from that fear. Maybe some would realize that fear only produces obstacles and roadblocks towards real change and hope.

So I shared my personal story with you. I wrote about racial incidents I observed and incidents I encountered personally just because I love a black man. I wrote about stories in the news where young men were shot in their own driveways, on the side of the road, or laying face down in a subway station. Shot because of fear, anger and hate.

These stories made me want to find more stories just like them. They fueled me with anger so off I went looking for stories to bring here and share my anger with you.

Then I stopped. After all , if all I bring to you is despair, anger and hopelessness, what difference have I made? If I bring you a story here and there that too often sounds like it should have happened thirty or forty years ago and then piss and moan about how things haven't changed, what am I really bringing to the table? Defeat? More anger?

After all, who wants to read about more despair in times like these? And so I struggled and thought and pondered about what I'm doing here.


And what I discovered is this:

Life is all about balance. I preach this to myself, to my family. I've even written about life balance many times over in other arenas. I just forgot to practice it.

I will still talk about the Oscar's, Robbie's and Billy Joe's who are murdered needlessly out of fear. It happened and unfortunately will continue to happen. We, indeed, must talk about all that happens and quit sweeping racism under the rug. We need to quit dressing up gratuitous actions, trying to make them look pretty in a disguise we then try to label as progress. We need to tell the truth. I intend to do my part just like I originally planned.

There is, however, a more positive side of me that is just as capable of finding proactive angles to share with you. With more balance, the big picture will come into focus, grow clearer and more defined. If we are looking at all angles of the picture, you just never know, we may find some answers.

And that, my friends, is the beauty of balance.